1000 Shades of Grey
Thursday, March 17, 2005
The Name Game
Tonight we're going to pick up a cat. Not any old cat from the street, but one from a cat shelter. She's a small grey cat, who on arrival at the shelter promptly miscarried, and then had the nice people whip out her sexual organs before she did it again.

Despite the fact that we're doing the Shelter a favour, what with them having one less mouth to feed and everything, they're charging us for the privilege. Money grabbers.

Now, I've never actually had a pet before – the result of having parents who were cruel and kept me locked in a cupboard only letting me out to go to school and empty my slops bucket – and as a result I'm a bit nervous.

I've never been to a vet's for a start. What are they like? Do the extra years of medical training they get over doctors mean that their writing is even more illegible or do they all just act like Siegfried from All Creatures Great and Small?

Similarly, I've never had cause to name something before. This is a big responsibility, what with them likely to become leaders of the cat-world, or at least leaders of local cat society – hobnobbing with other cats at the local cat club over a bowl of water and a dead fish. Any name we give the little blighter needs to make them stand out from the masses, whilst not making them (or indeed us) sound stupid.

My wife keeps suggesting names that she thinks are relevant to us, e.g. "Trent" or "Tyne". I think naming the poor creature after its ultimate resting place is a bit on the harsh side.

"Witty" football gags are probably best left alone – naming a cat "Bonetti" or "Shay" really isn't going to help them on their way to achieve Cat greatness, and for that reason the Blackadder inspired "Bernard" and "Bob" should probably also be ignored.

Personally, I'm quite keen on "Claw", a strong powerful name to inspire the creature to attain greatness. A name you would be proud to shout in the street, befitting an animal you would feel confident enough to set on Kilroy-Silk should he ever come to your door, safe in the knowledge he wouldn't return without armour plating and a tetanus jab.

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